As a crusader of schtick, I have taken a small step for lady kind and a rather large step towards a personal and life long schtick, I’m branching out and have temporarily committed to making new friends. Taking on any new venture can be difficult, especially when it comes in the form of human being baggage. There is always the fear of the incessant caller, the stage 5 clinger, the Chipper Jones who you connected with on night one because of her flamboyant disposition but come to find out she’s always so cheerful, or the virus of all new (and sometimes old) friends, the fateful favor friend. That’s probably a deal breaker for me, when I feel that my hot mess of a life is more organized than a new friend, I normally call it quits.

I remember the time that I saw my girlfriend calling (who may remain nameless) and I was elated to get my chit-chat on. It had a been a few days since I had contact with a species of my kind and I was looking forward to hearing about all the exciting adventures of her week. I turned down my mixed CD entitled “Chill Mix 5” and picked up the phone. As soon as the conversation got underway, I knew instantly that this was not going to be a fun happy hour on my way home from work where I pull out my secret Vodka stash in the glove compartment and look forward to hitting each red light because I’ll be able to enjoy my drink rather than play splish splash in the driver’s seat.

So I pick up my chode colored phone and realize, this bitch needed a ride to the airport. Unbelievable, I thought.

How could I have been so naïve to pick up the phone on a school night to someone I wasn’t related to? If it had been a relative I could just hang up in mid-sentence and not feel guilty, but I may have to see this girl again. I had never taken her for a favor friend so I didn’t realize what I was getting into. Next thing I know, I’m taking my Target wearing, Mabeline matted boot face over to her West Village apartment to haul her designer suitcase, Barney wardrobe, size two ass to the airport. What’s with people who can actually afford to get a cab to the airport but feel the need to ask low tax bracket individuals like myself for a ride?

Well, that was one mistake I’ll never make again. I’ve found the key to the “favor” friend is simple…… lie. There is no reason to feel hesitant about throwing out a good lie in the event that you get ambushed into “helping a girl out” such as moving (I think I’m finally past that stage with my friends and quasi-friends, thank gawd).

Breakups are inevitable though and I’ve had plenty of them. Who could forget the crazy of all crazys that lit up the sky after a midnight showing of Broke Dick Mountain that I helped host for 6 of my close and not so close friends. Why is it that the crazy ones always wait for the most inopportune time to forget their meds at home? What is one to do in a situation where one minute you’re hanging out with Kelly Kipowski and the next you’re being ambushed by Heath Legdger’s character in the Dark Night (may his hot piece of ass rest in peace).

I don’t think there is any way we can truly know the fate of our friendships so I’ve decided to commit to my new friends. May they broaden my horizons (and not my ass), may they invite me to cool and interesting adventure days like white water rafting or bird watching, may they be smarter and more organized than myself. I certainly would think that’s achievable given my own lack of unique attributes.

I don’t know what my new friends will bring to the table and I hope they aren’t expecting much out of me. Afterall, it’s not about what you give in the relationship, it’s about what you get back. I think I’ll wait to introduce my new friendships to a sober scenario until I feel comfortable that I can trust they aren’t callers, clingers, chippers or favor foes. As long as the vodka is nearby, the conversation is light and the baggage stays at home then I think we’ll do just fine.

Here’s to hopin.


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