Marriage: Grab a drink, saddle up & hang on

Marriage…. Talk about some peaks and valleys. I feel like no one really prepares you for the constant negotiating that comes along with committing your life to one person, day, by day by day, by day… It’s my firm opinion that our education system should initiate mandatory classes on how to become a defense attorney, prosecutor and mediator in order to survive the John Grisham inspired twists and turns of the ultimate individual sacrifice we all come to know as marriage.

Now don’t get me wrong, there are perks to being locked down….. for instance, I no longer have to keep up with the Jones’ skanks on the late night happy hour scene, or lower my standards for a free meal on a first date, and I’ve been able to cut down on my single lying behavior – mostly pertaining to my caloric intake and exercise routine. Those are all good changes that come along with I-Do and I would strongly persuade any young lonely girl to give up for marriage.

If I had known the ups and downs of this lifetime commitment, maybe I would’ve only registered for Mexican-piñatas filled with sedatives so that when I felt the urge to destroy Gotham City, I could just take my aggression out with a bat and wind down with the all the goodies filled inside, now that would be a nice wedding gift. MaybeIlllook into that idea for the next wedding season.

Don’t get me wrong, I do love my husband. He’s way better looking than me, he understands the inner workings of the stock market and has managed to maintain the respect from his friends, co-workers and family members.

Despite having all better attributes than me, it still doesn’t create the perfect recipe so what’s the secret?? Unfortunately, I have no fucking clue.

Like for his recent birthday I got him an Apple TV for our bedroom. Yes, we do have already have an Apple TV for the living room, but how wonderful will it be to not have to make the fatiguing 10 step journey from the bed to the couch?

I ran out on the day of his birthday to selflessly purchase the gift at the see-through box that has become the Apple Store. I was greeted at the door by two middle aged techy’s excited to see voluptuous woman of my stature and I felt a sense of elation that one only gets after years of bodily solitude. After about 15 minutes of pretending like I knew what I was looking for, I finally buckled and resorted to tracking down one of the sales associates which took longer than expected because of Apples growing popularity among the tattooed liberal speaking, yet conservative minded yuppies that seem to dominate my community. Finally, I track down a balding 20 something man attendant who gladly helps me check out. I find myself getting pissed that there is no cash register. After all, how can I really trust that he is running my credit card appropriately and not violating my personal history for the company’s gain and ultimate take over of my identity? I try not to let it bother me too much. We finalize the purchase and I head home with anxious excitement to unveil the sentimental yet logical gift to my adoring 32 year old man-mate.

Much to my dismay, there is an odd silence as he opens the gift….. he turns it over as if he is “reading” the packaging. I couldn’t tell if he wasn’t sure what it was or examining it for lice. I break the silence not by asking if he likes it but asking “how excited are you about this gift?” He responds by explaining that we already have an Apple TV and he doesn’t see a real need for a second box. I look at him in bewilderment…. So not only does he not appreciate the planning and time that went into this purchase but now he’s dissing it? Oh no he dint….. Unbelievable, I thought…. I mean this could help bring us together in a whole new way. Instead of lounging on different sides of the living room every Sunday, we could enjoy our own drama lounge bedside. Our queen size bed would pose a problem as I would prefer to have a little more distance but we could get around this, after all, we do have a chase lounge in our bedroom and maybe he would find that he enjoys napping on it rather than the bed. Anything that allows me more time in bed and less time out of it is a good thing. As I was fighting out loud with him in my head, it dawned on me that we are completely different people. Why doesn’t he want to spend Sunday funday bedside, questioning whether or not the next purchase for our room should be bedpans to avoid the daunting trip to the bathroom. Maybe we could get a refrigerator or a microwave, and then I could have a door built next to the bed so that the Poppa John’s Delivery Boy that I call Pussy-face could be a little more accommodating, afterall I had kept that operation in business between 2006-2008. I admit, my orders had declined between 08 until recently, but I was back, hoping to spend a fourth of each paycheck towards breadsticks and sauces. This didn’t seem to be the life that my husband wanted and all of sudden the apple tv gift seemed to represent a pillar for our opposition in life.  

I would like to think that marriages get better with age, like a good bottle of wine, but unfortunately I’ve never had the will power to allow a bottle of anything in my home to age – literally, like, you name it. Vodka, wine, mustard, sweet & sour sauce…….. I devour all liquids. I think I may have a “quench” problem – not be confused with “queef” issue.

I guess it’s a life long journey that can’t be solved through a crash diet, cleanse or a colon vacuum. You just gotta saddle up, educate yourself by doing the exact opposite of your parents and keep a secret bottle of any clear liquor nearby.

Happy belated anniversary to my husband. To paraphrase the late great Smokey Robinson: I don’t like you, but I love you, seems that I’m always, thinking of you, Oh, oh, oh, I love you madly, You really got a hold on me. Now, you wanna get dirty tonight?? 🙂


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