In the event I have the opportunity to get remarried, I will make certain that my 2nd husband is an Asian man, hopefully named Kim or John. Actually, considering my first husband’s name isJohn, Ill just stick with that.
I had the exciting opportunity to be a part of my very first Asian wedding, from what I gathered throughout the weekend there are many different varieties of Asians and this particular event was made up of Chinese, Koreans and Vietnamese. Growing up in a non cultural home, I maintained an impression that Asian people were small, smiley and had an innate ability to do acrylic nails.
While all those things may be true, they are much more complex than that.
The day of the wedding kicked off around 9am, I woke up slightly hangover to an empty hotel bed and was excited about stretching my legs in a king sized bed without the hassle or hair of my husbands body lurking nearby. After a mid morning doze, I decided to get ambitious and start my day off with a cup of coffee, a bottle of water and mimosa. I’ve come to the realization that I may be the thirstiest person on the planet and it gives me great joy to have several liquid options to get my day started on the right track.
I managed to get myself together, apply 8 layers of make up comprised of Maybelline’s new mouse application (my verdict is still out on this product so don’t run out and get it just yet), concealer, tantalizer, blush, more blush until I rose the white flag and decided that cheap may be the new black. I was ready to go.
The wedding party, along with a few stragglers like myself waited with anticipation for the party bus. From afar, I could see an obnoxious looking black van with cursive writing on the side that said “Sam’s Limousine”….. could I be this lucky? Yes, it was ours for the day. One by one, we piled on to the caravan with as much excitement as Chaz Bono had when she got her first buzz cut.
It was noon in the real world but on Sam’s “Club” it felt like it was 3am which was good for me because I could feel my face melting down. As we made the trip from the hotel to the ceremony, the lights stayed dim, the strobe light was bouncing and hip hop jams were bumping from wall to wall. When I thought of how this wedding would play out in my mind, it did not include the sounds of Ace of Base, Nate Dawg, or Dr Dre, but I was mistaken, this was turning out to be one of the best pre-ceremony weddings I had ever been too. I was leery to forecast the rest of the day with such high marks so I decided to wait for my final assessment until the reception.
Once we arrived to the church, the bridesmaids separated from the men but lucky for me I didn’t have any real obligations since I wasn’t in the wedding party which made it very convenient to sneak in and out of Sam’s Club for a fresh cocktail as I waited for the ceremony to start.
The ceremony went off without a hitch, my husband looked like a little school boy standing next to the groom and it made my little toaster oven light up. Walking out of the catholic sanctuary, I took a little hand dip in the holy water. As I mentioned before, I like liquids and figured it couldn’t hurt.
The ride back to the reception site managed to live up to my high expectations for the rest of the day…. The stripper pole came in handy as I watched a fairly new mom and one of my closest friends take a twirl, I can barely get up from the bed much less uplift my body on a moving van to play twist around the stripper pole. This was awesome!
The groom passed around a bottle of crown and much to my dismay every single bridesmaid took a pull. I was amazed by these tiny little Asian girls ability to hold their own around a van full of overweight whiteys. As a veteran drinker, I often find myself having little confidence in other women’s ability to party in such a condensed and binge like fashion as myself, but my narrow minded perception of the Asian lady liver was proven to be very wrong.
So my favorite part of the wedding was saved for last, hold onto your cocktail because each table was dressed with a floral arrangement atop a Lazy Susan that included a bottle of vodka, a bottle of coke, sprite and tonic. Each white table received a bottle of Vodka, while each brown table received a bottle of Hennessey. Is this a joke, I thought? Surely, this cannot be happening….surely I did not settle on an open bar for my own wedding when I could have offered the convenience of table service?
Our table, table 17 managed to take down almost two bottles of vodka, granted I did have to steal a bottle from table 2, but they didn’t seem to notice and I attempted to be as undercover as possible. As I was pouring my fourteenth shot of the night, I overheard a noise from the speaker that was like no other noise I had ever heard before. My eyes darted to the dance floor and I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. The father of the bride was singing “I did it my way” by Frank Sinatra to Kareoke. I honestly could not believe my eyes. I took back my shot and felt some strange emotions boiling up inside me. I couldn’t take my eyes off of this tiny man belting out this beloved American classic. As my emotions were getting the best of me so was the leader of the brown Rat Pack, he was fighting back tears to finish the song! This is not a lie….. It was at that moment, I knew…….. not only had this been the best wedding I had ever been too but my mid life feelings of being a Jew were completely off. I was never intended to be a Jew, these are my people. They drink, they giggle, they dip all their foods in sauces and they stop weddings by putting on their own version of “Vietnam’s Got Talent”.
I’m sure the night ended well but I lost consciousness around 11:30 and fear that if I did remember the late night events that it shouldn’t end up on the world wide web for fear of imprisonment, unemployment and divorce.
Thank you to all my new Asian friends, I hope you will invite me to more of your events. Mazel