Brazil TearsAs my life span rounds month 360, it’s apparent that my future fantasies with my fictional son’s friends aren’t going to be in the cards after all. I think I had some good years, where my face didn’t feel like a pleather wallet from 5-7-9 and my ass didn’t require storm damage insurance. Saying goodbye to that 2 digit that I’ve grown so fond of is proving to be much more difficult than I had anticipated. In an effort to fight my way through thirty without having to double down on my usual dosage, I decided it was time to pay a visit to the dermatologist who can coincidentally service my botox needs.

It was my first visit to this new doctor and I was nervous and excited. I wrote down a plethora of ailments I’m currently battling including incredibly large hair follicles – surprise surprise. It was the end of the day and I was looking forward to shooting the shit with my new doctor friend. While I may have the inability to sustain most relationships, I do find that I try the hardest to maintain a strong and healthy connection to the many healthcare providers in my life. After muddling my way through the pre-consent forms that challenged cheese cake factories menu size, I was led into a room to wait anxiously for my new friend. Minutes later, the unsinkable Molly Brown walks in – kinda like a cross between Kathy Bates and John Goodman. The first sign that this was not going to well was the consistency between her skin and mine. I was anticipating a leisurely chat between homies, but what I received was an irritable exchange between me and a lesbian with a hankering to get home to her box. This wasn’t going good.

Jonah Hill – The F? She abruptly took out a gown and told me to change down to my full backs. I was confused. Change? What is this? Late night USA? As if my self-esteem couldn’t get any lower, I’m now being subjected to a late day peep show? If I had known there was going to be a strip down, I would have certainly done the following:

  1. Went to a hot guy doctor
  2. Trimmed up Yosimite Park’s micro site
  3. Booked any early appointment while the eight layers of concealer, blush, foundation, BB Cream, powder and illuminator was in a non-melted state
  4. And went to a hot guy doctor

So there I am – standing in front of Rosie O’Donnell’s angry cousin holding my palms over my un-errect nipples – did I mention STANDING? Like, standing in a florescent lit room. I barely take showers naked much less trot around in well lit spaces with thr ball park wave taking place in my mid-section.

Most people’s reaction to seeing me naked:

Wil Wheaton WOW

So there we are – me and Bates. She seemed to get a thrill out of watching me cup my 359 month old nipples. She takes out a pair of laboratory like glasses that I’m convinced were fake – like as if she just got off the set of “Outbreak” and was diagnosing a revolutionary atom that could cure the chicken pox (doubt it dawg) – ya, well, my age spots and frecks aren’t exactly hard to see by the naked eye. Next thing I know she says – “put your hands down by your side so I can see your chest.” (Reference A through D one more time)

I was just waiting for her to call out the two large moles on the flattest part of my body so I could have hard evidence that she was faking her exam. I was preparing my rebuttal to be something like, “UM, those saucers are my nipples, dick tits, I’m outta here.” I would then storm out of the florescent cell, grabbing only my handbag and a gown that would be open in the front, not the back. I would then throw my hands up in the air as I approached the exit/ entrance, turn around, flip off all the patrons in the waiting room and say – fuck you mother fuckers! It didn’t exactly turn out in my favor.

Just as I breathed a sigh of relief thinking this ridiculous experience had come to a close, she makes me turn around and lift my feet so now she’s got a full view of the ass rings that have developed in my flesh color panties. This take place for what seemed like an episode of Mad Men – but not a really good one, like one of the early years when they were still conceptualizing character developments. Finally the ordeal was over and I was allowed to put back on my Forever41 outfit.

So after all that I was confident that Private Lezby’s assessment and ultimate script approval would turn out in my favor. Unfortunately for me, I left with some over the counter hydrocortisone cream. Well, that along with a few shots of Bo-Magic injected into my face. Dr. Fingers got the last laugh on that one advising me to wear more sunscreen and moisturize often.

Thanks Asshole. 


One thought on “360

  1. Hilarious!!!!!! All they want is your money & don’t care about what you’re problems are… My appointments with all “Doctors” don’t go well. But I must say I’m still using the itty bitty Gyno.. ha and she continues to charge $350 to do nothing WTF

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